We like to pretend that it is just a business operation. Find a very rich kid, apple of their very rich parent's very rich eyes. Kidnap (gently, politely but firmly). Establish communications with said very rich benefactors. Extort money. Repatriate ghastly offspring.

And in some ways it is. We have expenses, quite a lot of them. Our profit margin isn't what it should be, though. Because we also have a bit of a mission. We use the money to right a few of the wrongs that the rich have perpetrated on their way to the top, ideally offsetting damage that the thoughtless offspring have inflicted themselves in the process. We have principles: no children, only spoilt trust fund adults who have shown themselves to be pretty rotten apples.

I'm fortunate that within that broad and humanitarian prospectus, there is room for our employees to exercise discretion... and personal preference. Which is why I am lucky enough to be able to choose my own targets. I like to go for the really noxious ones, the ones whose sense of entitlement fills the room. The ones whose parents really are absolute dirt-bags.

Like this specimen here. She's a treasure- so filled with righteous indignation and certainty that Daddy's people will swoop in and make everything right. But here's the thing. I swiped you from a crowded debutante ball in Rome, and no-one even noticed you were gone. They were probably just glad you weren't there to bitch and complain any more and assumed you'd found some poor sap to victimise for the night.

And Daddy? Daddy doesn't really care about you at all. You're an inconvenience. He's got a budget for you, and a million is more than he's willing to pay. Who'd have thought it? But you don't get to be a point-six-of-a-billionaire without watching the bottom line. And he sees that you disappearing means he can take back your trust fund, no blame attached. Psychopaths are like that.

So now it is just you and me, and the knowledge that not one person in the world cares that you are here with me. Well, except you. And me. And the slavers over at Honest Omar, who I'm sure are very much looking forward to adding you to their books, Princess. What? I don't know why you are so indignant. I'm sure you'll fetch a great deal more than one million on the open market. You should be all in favour- it's just capitalism and market freedom, exactly the sort of thing you keep saying the world needs more of....